A Good Day - (repost from FB)

My teeth hurt, I’m coughing a fair bit, chest is sore and sternum on fire... not to mention the bad burps too. But it’s worth feeling like shit if I get more days like yesterday. It started bad with a LOT of anxiety when I went out in public (not hospital) for the first time since I cut my hair. I wore a beanie because I get so cold, so I look like I have cancer now .. and it made me self conscious and uncomfortable. My hair has always been a big part of my identity and I guess I never felt how much it was protection too. To hide from the world. To look normal. Untouched by the evil cancers.

I had to go home, I didn’t feel well. Nausea induced by anxiety. Then I had my psych appointment and she assured me it was just anxiety. We talked about ways to cope and just generally how our minds work when it comes to trying to be mindful. How scientifically, our brains are wired to constantly loop the shitty thoughts in the back of our minds and we can’t change that. We can work on moving away from it but don’t expect miracles. There’s something to be said about surrendering. Whether it’s religious surrender where you leave everything to God and his plan.... or surrendering to your perceived inadequacies and just accepting that you’ll never be “100% fulfilled” because it’s not possible. To be sad sometimes and not happy all the time is NORMAL.

Steve and I spent the rest of the day constantly driving, going to parks, going for a date night dinner (always stressful for me to eat in public but it went well and I cherish feeling normal for one night) and then as he said, we chased the moon to the top of a mountain aka went to a lookout point to watch the moon rise. We looked at the stars and talked about how we all came from there. How those stars that look at us are from hundreds of years ago. The past looking down upon us.

I was very tired by the time we got home, and I woke up in the middle of the night in a lot of pain, coughing up mucus and dry retching. I also felt so weak when I tried to wake up Steve to help get me some pain relief... it made me think, oh, this is how I might feel down the track. Again, we don’t know when, but it was still scary.

But again, it was worth it. It was a pretty good day for food and mental wellbeing. Today I think won’t be as good, and that’s ok. That’s life for everyone. It’s just a little more extreme for me and I’m more aware of everything now - my pain and aches, every new symptom, my mortality, time...

I don’t like the words “fight” “battle” “warrior” etc and I hate “she got her wings today” or “she lost her battle with cancer”. I’m not battling with cancer. I’m dealing with it. I’m getting treatment for a terminal illness. I’m not some brave soldier going to war.

I’m tired, scared and ... tired. All I want and what runs through my mind a lot is “I want to go home”. But I am home now! Why do I feel this still? Maybe home is where my soul has always wanted to be. Maybe it’s back with the collective “one”, where ‘God’ lives, in the stars.

So when I die, I want everyone to say “she’s returned to the stars.”

I came from there, and I’ll be back out there. I will never be truly gone and I would have lost no battle. Because there isn’t one. This is just... life.

I’ll live on in every life I’ve touched, every tattoo a loved one gets, every yesjox sticker you’ll place out in the world for me in places I haven’t seen... ❤