Dreamy Warrior

Today is R U OK? Day... also known as the day where some people share their own struggles and others let friends know they’re willing shoulders on which to cry. The problem is that people who need to reach out, often don’t. As much as we try every year, every day, every hour... there is still a fucking stigma when it comes to mental health. Whether it be cultural, religious, generational, or the awful combination of all of the above. Where you’re made to feel that your feelings are not valid because they can’t be seen. So we put our masks back on, accept that we’ll always be broken and maybe this time won’t be as bad as last time. I’ve been struggling with depression since I was a kid. There have been a couple of times in my life where it had gotten really bad, but I pulled through. I thought I was tough as nails for having “beat” depression on my own. How fucking wrong I was. Depression wasn’t beaten, merely beaten back, for now. It was lying in wait for years, creeping o

A year ago, we saw Hamilton the musical. The major theme in the storytelling was legacy, and how different people try to achieve it. One had fiery passion and drive, while another believed about waiting for the right moment. I related hard to both views. More so the latter. Typical Pisces, always having opposing currents pulling at their insides. I had strong passions but I am also too practical for my own good. I was worried I wouldn’t leave much of a legacy so I worked on writing and completing a book (done), finishing a screenplay/tv pilot script (20% of the way but unlikely to finish) and other harebrained dreams, hoping I would get recognition or happiness from them. In the end, I never achieved anything except some small feeling of accomplishment and a tiny boost in my drive to do more. That’s when I fell into twitch streaming. I strived to create a community for people struggling with mental health issues, the LGBTQ+ community, women, people of colour and people on the au

Resentment. It’s like a poison worse than chemo or cancer that eats away at your soul. Yet everyday, it grows stronger inside me. I resent people who have continued living their lives. Lives I used to be a part of. Now they’re off having great career moves, babies, engagements, weddings, holidays, food comas.... and I’m happy for them but I also resent that they have that and I don’t anymore. (Well not the babies and marriage, I already have one and don’t want the other). I especially resent listening or seeing complaints from people about the small stuff. Got a cold but call yourself diseased? Fuck off. It’s almost like a resentment that feeds into “cancer entitlement”. Like “I have cancer, will likely die young, can I please have great quality of life and comfort while possible?” - that’s reasonable right? But when a cancer patient doesn’t get the basic entitlement, it grows into unreasonable entitlement and resentment. I’m teetering on the edge. And about to start