Resentment - (repost from FB)

Resentment.

It’s like a poison worse than chemo or cancer that eats away at your soul.

Yet everyday, it grows stronger inside me.

I resent people who have continued living their lives. Lives I used to be a part of. Now they’re off having great career moves, babies, engagements, weddings, holidays, food comas.... and I’m happy for them but I also resent that they have that and I don’t anymore. (Well not the babies and marriage, I already have one and don’t want the other).

I especially resent listening or seeing complaints from people about the small stuff. Got a cold but call yourself diseased? Fuck off.

It’s almost like a resentment that feeds into “cancer entitlement”.

Like “I have cancer, will likely die young, can I please have great quality of life and comfort while possible?” - that’s reasonable right?

But when a cancer patient doesn’t get the basic entitlement, it grows into unreasonable entitlement and resentment.

I’m teetering on the edge. And about to start chemo 3 in a couple of days. I’ve had more discomfort and pain show up in the last week. Unable to eat without regurgitating 60% of the time, acid reflux at night even when sleeping upright (what kind of gravity defying stomach acid?!!). Spasms have gotten WORSE and I’ve had to increase my drug dose to help with the nerve pain it causes.

I don’t feel human. I don’t feel good about myself or how I look. I don’t feel good. Period.

So I just shut it all off and don’t feel at all. Go through the motions. Brain shuts down and goes into fog mode.

And when I do feel now, it’s resentment.

And I hate it so much. That’s not me. This isn’t me. How can any of this be real?

Someone wake me from this nightmare.