Living 2 weeks at a time

I've been wondering what to write about next. I come up with ideas of things that might help enlighten others, help other patients... but I never sit down to write them. I either don't feel well enough or my brain is foggy.

I guess today I'll talk about how over the last 4 months I've learned to live 2 weeks at a time. That means I try not to plan anything more than 2 weeks ahead - and it stresses me when I'm forced to. Visitors, treatment plans... it's never anything I actually want to do.

I've just been existing, having trouble finding joy in the things I used to love, and sometimes even in people that I do love. I frantically refresh my support groups, still looking for an answer to everything.

I have found solace in the fact that I'm not alone. And yet somehow within my young people's support group, I still manage to be the odd one out. Everybody else is on a curative path, or has completed treatment. Meanwhile I'm just... coasting.

I woke up this morning coughing to the point I had to vomit stomach acid that burned like crazy. It was also very brown. Could it be blood? Chocolate? Who knows.

All I know is that I'm trying my best to live, and not exist. I eat as much as I can - I get adventurous, hoping they don't get stuck in the stent. I pay for it in lack of sleep - food doesn't empty properly? Sleep horribly. Food was too acidic? Wake up vomiting stomach acid. Fun fun fun.

Stomach cancer has got to me one of the most unsexy cancers available. If you don't die from organ shutdown, you die from malnourishment and starvation. The latter is so scary. In the support groups, you see how skinny, how gaunt, how skeletal, how SICK people look.

Meanwhile here I am, maintaining - even gaining weight - while on chemo. Everyone tells me "You look really good" but they don't know. They don't know how awful I feel inside.

Sigh. So yeah, I try not to plan too far ahead because even though I "look well", I don't know what plans my body has. I have known people to be relatively healthy other than having the cancer affect vital organs, causing their death.

My cancer is so spread out that my oncologist said it doesn't have to hit vital organs to kill me. It is already affecting my metabolism - causing burden on my body already. We can only hope the chemo is reducing that burden, thus buying me more time.

More time to live. More time to hope. More time to wait.

Immunotherapy, magical blood cure, some sort of anti-serum... something. Anything.

I want to be saved....

But I have to live 2 weeks at a time. So for now, I'm okay.

Comments

  1. This is just horrible. I watched my brother say the same thing. He was such a planner. In fact, the last time we met before diagnosis. He was talking about his 5 year plan. And then to go from that to just living week to week...I hope that at least you can find solace in the fact that your posts help so many people. I wish so desperately, to help you. All I can do is pray and say to spend as much time with your loved ones as you can. You are in my thoughts. ��

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