Paying for good days with bad days

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I feel absolutely awful today. I had a great weekend last week, seeing close friends from Twitch and doing amazing fun meaningful things with them. Then I got a tiny sore throat which turned into a cough and when I went to get my bloods done, the doctor immediately started talking about admitting me to hospital - which triggered my PTSD big time. Anxiety shot through the roof and my entire day was just ruined. They made me wait while they tested my bloods, when usually I would just go home and get the results on chemo day. My white blood cell count came back fine, but they still wanted me to go on antibiotics just in case.

So now my gut health is all over the place. Stools are loose and my stomach hurts. Not to mention I haven't slept well due to coughing/choking/sternum pain every night waking me up. I vomited stomach acid - I cough so much it just comes out like an open faucet because of the stents. I don't get it - I don't understand what is happening.

I also feel food isn't going down properly, but I haven't regurgitated (much) food. I feel so helpless. I don't want to go into hospital for another procedure. I don't want another scope. I don't want another stent. I just don't want any of this.

Is this what my life will be now? Have one or two good days, where I already feel weak and low anyway but I am managing - then pay for it with the rest of my non-chemo days? This was supposed to be my "good" week - the week where I recover from chemo so I'm strong enough for the next lot of chemo.

But tomorrow is cycle 5 and I don't feel prepared. I also don't want to delay chemo but I am so worried about how I'll go with eating and sleeping this week when I'm not 100% now. Sometimes I feel close to the end, but I can't be. It's just annoying side effects of having stents - all my medication is because I have the damn things.

They help me eat but damn if they don't come with a whole set of problems. I have a "cancer buddy" from one of my online support groups who has a similar situation to me - the only one I've met who also has stents in the same spot and whose treatment is also similar to mine. We commiserate together in our joint misery.

I've gone through past posts in the groups where people have mentioned stents and there are more horror stories than good outcomes. It seems nobody lasts very long or lives without complications when they get stents. YAY.

But I know... I shouldn't borrow from tomorrow's worries. It's just every time I start to feel good or better, I get knocked back - it's frustrating. Cancer is cancer but fuck is gastric cancer isn't fucking cruel.

I'm not ready to die... but some days I really wish it was all over. :(

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