Dreamy Warrior

Many people use "fighting", "battle" and "warrior" in relation to cancer patients. I dislike these terms because we didn't choose to go into battle, and fighting is exhausting. It also makes it sound like when we succumb to our disease, that we lost the fight. Like we didn't try hard enough. Or worse, when some choose to stop treatment, that they're giving up. And that's the crossroads I'm at now. I've got appointments with my palliative nurses, surgeon, oncologist, GP etc to talk about my decision and what their opinions might be. I'm lucky that my family understand and fully support whatever I choose. The same with my fellow cancer patients/caregivers - the support I have is overwhelming, really. It makes me feel like I'm not giving up, I'm merely just tired and it's OK to want to sleep.... forever. I worry I'll be in pain but I'm already in pain now. Great discomfort and pain and inability to get a g...

Seriously. All I find are journals (that don't end well for the patient) or stent diets and other bullshit I don't need. Where are the patient accounts? Even in the support groups, everyone is too fucking different. Too many different symptoms. Stents in different locations. Permanent stents. Temporary. Biodegradable. Stents migrated so were removed. I have found only one person with a very similar situation to me. Also on keytruda (immunotherapy) and also with esophageal stent in the GE junction. He also had a second stent inserted because of blockage. And now he also has the similar feeling I get when eating/resting. If you're out there looking for some support, here's my stent story. I think I've told it before but fuck it, here it is again. Blame it on the chemo brain. So my tumours had been growing and blocking the junction of where my stomach and esophagus meet. Eventually they closed up so much I couldn't even swallow saliva. This was when I flew ho...

Since my last update, I've lost two 'cancer buddies'. Their declines were rapid towards the end, and heartbreaking to watch from afar. There is nothing more I want than to be able to hug all my fellow patients and their caregivers from my support groups. They are there for me as I am there for them, and we all have a special bond that can't be explained or replicated. We love one another on a level so deep, it hurts when one of us hurts. On the flip side, when one of us has a win, it's a win for us all. Whether it be a clear scan, a good day or just a good moment. I've had my last round of chemo of cisplatin and 5FU - I can't express how happy I am to not ever be connected to that fucking bottle for 120 hours again. I just got disconnected 3 days ago and my family are doing Christmas early today so let's hope I can eat and not throw up the food. Eating hasn't been great, and neither has sleeping. I have pains everywhere, mostly from nerves wher...

I feel absolutely awful today. I had a great weekend last week, seeing close friends from Twitch and doing amazing fun meaningful things with them. Then I got a tiny sore throat which turned into a cough and when I went to get my bloods done, the doctor immediately started talking about admitting me to hospital - which triggered my PTSD big time. Anxiety shot through the roof and my entire day was just ruined. They made me wait while they tested my bloods, when usually I would just go home and get the results on chemo day. My white blood cell count came back fine, but they still wanted me to go on antibiotics just in case. So now my gut health is all over the place. Stools are loose and my stomach hurts. Not to mention I haven't slept well due to coughing/choking/sternum pain every night waking me up. I vomited stomach acid - I cough so much it just comes out like an open faucet because of the stents. I don't get it - I don't understand what is happening. I also feel fo...

Eating when you have gastric cancer is already a chore. Your stomach doesn't work the way it's supposed to because there's cancer in there wreaking havoc with your motility. In my case, because the tumours were so close to the junction where the stomach and esophagus meet, they had to place an esophageal stent in there. It's sitting in there now, squishing the tumours, showing 'em who's boss. There are many kinds of stents, and mine is mesh, metal and permanent. It's partially covered which means most of its outside is coated in some kind of smooth material - but the edges are like "chicken wire" which allows the soft tissue to grow into it, hence making the stent "a part of me". I'm lucky, I have TWO stents. The first one worked fine, for a while. Eventually I was regurgitating again and soon I could barely manage liquids. Tumour granulation (whatever that means) was blocking the way. So we put a second one in about 6cm above the...