I'm done with chemo!
Since my last update, I've lost two 'cancer buddies'. Their declines were rapid towards the end, and heartbreaking to watch from afar. There is nothing more I want than to be able to hug all my fellow patients and their caregivers from my support groups. They are there for me as I am there for them, and we all have a special bond that can't be explained or replicated.
We love one another on a level so deep, it hurts when one of us hurts. On the flip side, when one of us has a win, it's a win for us all. Whether it be a clear scan, a good day or just a good moment.
I've had my last round of chemo of cisplatin and 5FU - I can't express how happy I am to not ever be connected to that fucking bottle for 120 hours again. I just got disconnected 3 days ago and my family are doing Christmas early today so let's hope I can eat and not throw up the food.
Eating hasn't been great, and neither has sleeping. I have pains everywhere, mostly from nerves where the primary tumours and stents are. It's frustrating that the stents are permanent and cause issues that can't be solved easily. It's all "mechanical" as my oncologist says. "It sounds like it's mechanical and positional" ..... thanks for your help!
The good news is that I also had a scan and it showed more shrinkage. Promising enough to not do two more optional rounds of the 5FU (THANK GOD). So I'm officially on a chemo break now. I don't know exactly how chemo works after you've finished treatment - but the official results is that the cancer is stable. And when you're stage 4 inoperable/incurable, stable is very good.
I just wish the spasm pains would go away and the nausea after eating certain foods. I know that moving around will help me feel better sooner, but it's catch 22 --- I feel like shit, so I don't want to move about, but to feel less shit I need to move about.
It's a difficult time of year coming up - the "holidays" is all about homecoming, family, loved ones, being together, celebration. Knowing some of my cancer buds haven't lived to spend this time with their loved ones cuts deep.
I can only hope they're up above, shining down on us... guiding us... cheering us on.
The weird thing is their pain and suffering gives me strength to keep "fighting". For them. Not just for me, and my family... but for every one who tried and couldn't make it. I'm trying hard for you, my friend. I wish you were here so that your widow/widower wasn't in so much pain. I cry every time I think of how my husband will handle it when I'm gone.
We talk about it a lot because we don't ever want to be surprised by it - the death, the grief, the loss. I hope it makes his healing a little easier.
It's also fucking weird to talk about my death as a certainty in this manner. Sure, we're all going to die one day. But planning life around knowing you could die in a matter of weeks at any given time? That's something else.
I never envisioned my life would come to this. Who does? But here we are.
We love one another on a level so deep, it hurts when one of us hurts. On the flip side, when one of us has a win, it's a win for us all. Whether it be a clear scan, a good day or just a good moment.
I've had my last round of chemo of cisplatin and 5FU - I can't express how happy I am to not ever be connected to that fucking bottle for 120 hours again. I just got disconnected 3 days ago and my family are doing Christmas early today so let's hope I can eat and not throw up the food.
Eating hasn't been great, and neither has sleeping. I have pains everywhere, mostly from nerves where the primary tumours and stents are. It's frustrating that the stents are permanent and cause issues that can't be solved easily. It's all "mechanical" as my oncologist says. "It sounds like it's mechanical and positional" ..... thanks for your help!
The good news is that I also had a scan and it showed more shrinkage. Promising enough to not do two more optional rounds of the 5FU (THANK GOD). So I'm officially on a chemo break now. I don't know exactly how chemo works after you've finished treatment - but the official results is that the cancer is stable. And when you're stage 4 inoperable/incurable, stable is very good.
I just wish the spasm pains would go away and the nausea after eating certain foods. I know that moving around will help me feel better sooner, but it's catch 22 --- I feel like shit, so I don't want to move about, but to feel less shit I need to move about.
It's a difficult time of year coming up - the "holidays" is all about homecoming, family, loved ones, being together, celebration. Knowing some of my cancer buds haven't lived to spend this time with their loved ones cuts deep.
I can only hope they're up above, shining down on us... guiding us... cheering us on.
The weird thing is their pain and suffering gives me strength to keep "fighting". For them. Not just for me, and my family... but for every one who tried and couldn't make it. I'm trying hard for you, my friend. I wish you were here so that your widow/widower wasn't in so much pain. I cry every time I think of how my husband will handle it when I'm gone.
We talk about it a lot because we don't ever want to be surprised by it - the death, the grief, the loss. I hope it makes his healing a little easier.
It's also fucking weird to talk about my death as a certainty in this manner. Sure, we're all going to die one day. But planning life around knowing you could die in a matter of weeks at any given time? That's something else.
I never envisioned my life would come to this. Who does? But here we are.
Comments
Post a Comment