It's Not All Bad

Everyday can be a living hell but it is often peppered with happy moments with my friends and family. Sometimes, I cry, lamenting how I don't want to die. Other days I cry, wishing I was already dead. The bottom line is, I want my old life back - the one I had pre-cancer symptoms and treatment.

I don't want a new normal. But I know if I was given the choice - surgery or not - I might take surgery. Despite the fact that I hate hospitals, hate surgeries and have never recovered well from them.

How can you turn it down when you're in the moment? Doctors staring at you, your family looking at you with hope in their eyes. You don't want to let anyone down. So even if you don't want it, you choose the path of least resistence and a lot of readjusting.

At this point, I have no decisions to make. We are just waiting to see what the cancer decides to do. The next step would be FOLFOX chemo, which my oncologist assures me is less gruelling than the chemo they had me on. Well, we'll see.

Even then, I do not know if I want to go back on chemo. On the other hand, we don't know if I'll respond well to it either. If I do, we might get even more shrinkage. At the very least, keep the cancer stable and buy me more time.

It's a really tough path to walk, the road of non-curative. Often I find myself asking why am I putting myself through this? Waking each day wishing it was over already. And I wake often, because for some reason I keep choking on mucus in the middle of the night.

Anyway, like I said - it's not all bad. On good days, I can get out and about. Watch a movie in the cinema. Eat at a restaurant. Go for walks, or long drives. I haven't been able to do a few of these things recently because chemo effects are cumulative - so the more chemo you do, the worse you feel.

I haven't bounced back since cycle 6. It'll probably take another few weeks until I feel "normal" again. Unless the cancer takes over first HA HA HA.

But I look back at my life, and I feel peaceful. I have no regrets, no bucket list. Anything I would have wanted to make amends with, happened early on in diagnosis. I reconnected with two dear friends I had lost touch with. We fell out over nothing and now they're at least back in my lives. For that, I am grateful. I had missed them greatly.

I leave behind legacies to be proud of - and continue to try and create something that will leave a mark. I'm not terribly obsessed with my legacy but I do want to feel that my life meant something. That I've touched other lives, helped people and made a difference in the world - no matter how small.

I have never been making things about me - so putting myself first now that I have cancer, has been difficult. I'm trying. I'm not taking on other people's emotional baggage, as much as I want to. And I'm trying to let all the negativity out. Don't hold it in. Bitch mode: ON! :D

I'm so thankful for all the support I've received. I could not have gotten through any of this if I were on my own. I probably would have killed myself. No joke.

My family, my husband, my friends, my fellow patients... I love you all.


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