One more before I forget myself

I wish I had something more profound to share as I shuffle off this mortal coil. My brain is so muddled as I can’t eat and continue to lose lucidity everyday. It’s now hard to keep down water too. Hopefully that means it won’t be long before I go.

This existence is torture. Everyone keeps saying just get them to up your pain meds but it’s not about the pain. The pain I have is from mechanical issues to do with the esophagus, tumours and FOUR stents. Not to mention the ascites fluid pressing down on everything to boot.

I can’t think straight much less be wise and loving and give people hope. If anything I just want to sleep forever - I’m so done. I wake and it’s all day vomiting, can’t keep anything down. Maybe I will for a few hours but it’ll come back up later eventually. Could be a blockage further down, could be something else. 

Oh how I wish I’d just go in my sleep. None of this active dying death rattle bullshit. Just. Take. Me. Now. 

When my family sit with me, I don’t know what to say. I feel I should comfort them but I don’t know how. How can I tell them I’ll be ok when I practically throw up in their face?

Oh the weakness. I’m so weak. I can’t stand for very long, much less walk. I can barely shower now. I just feel too sick and weak. Surely this is it?

Surely I can’t be far. Whenever it happens, I just hope I don’t suffer much longer like this. I still get hunger pangs but I’m slowly starving to death. It’s not fair. It hurts so much. No pain meds for that.

Fuck you stomach cancer.