One more before I forget myself

I wish I had something more profound to share as I shuffle off this mortal coil. My brain is so muddled as I can’t eat and continue to lose lucidity everyday. It’s now hard to keep down water too. Hopefully that means it won’t be long before I go.

This existence is torture. Everyone keeps saying just get them to up your pain meds but it’s not about the pain. The pain I have is from mechanical issues to do with the esophagus, tumours and FOUR stents. Not to mention the ascites fluid pressing down on everything to boot.

I can’t think straight much less be wise and loving and give people hope. If anything I just want to sleep forever - I’m so done. I wake and it’s all day vomiting, can’t keep anything down. Maybe I will for a few hours but it’ll come back up later eventually. Could be a blockage further down, could be something else. 

Oh how I wish I’d just go in my sleep. None of this active dying death rattle bullshit. Just. Take. Me. Now. 

When my family sit with me, I don’t know what to say. I feel I should comfort them but I don’t know how. How can I tell them I’ll be ok when I practically throw up in their face?

Oh the weakness. I’m so weak. I can’t stand for very long, much less walk. I can barely shower now. I just feel too sick and weak. Surely this is it?

Surely I can’t be far. Whenever it happens, I just hope I don’t suffer much longer like this. I still get hunger pangs but I’m slowly starving to death. It’s not fair. It hurts so much. No pain meds for that.


Fuck you stomach cancer. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Deciding when to die

No Final Words