What cancer can teach you... (repost from FB)

This is so true. I used to look at my friends “5 percent posts” with jealousy/envy and now I’m just tearing up and thinking “you do you bb, I’m so happy for you”. My perspective on life has changed so drastically it’s actually kinda scary! My emotions are all over the place but I am definitely more appreciative of the little things, and overwhelmed by the big things. I cry all the time. Sometimes happy, mostly sad/scared. This is a very confusing and frustrating time in my life. Life is already so unknown but now it’s like a dark tunnel ahead and I’m just hoping there’s a bit of light and that it’s not quite “the light” just yet.

I’m mostly tired. Tired in general, tired of symptom and pain management, tired of new pains or symptoms, tired of staying positive for everyone. I’m trying. But it’s hard. The best way I can describe it is that I feel a pressure to get well. I know NOBODY means it that way when they wish me well and ask me to stay strong etc... but I can’t help but feel that I am only fighting for everyone else, not myself.

So it’s like there’s two versions of me. One is smiling when she’s in pain, and nodding when people say she’s strong. But the other is underneath the surface, scratching and screaming and crying and wishing someone was there with her to hold her and go through everything with her. But it’s not possible. It’s a solo journey inside this blackness I live in and all my amazing support from everyone is on the outside, in the light. You shine for me so I can continue on, but sometimes it gets dimmer and I feel like I’m drowning.

I guess a lot of it is the depression. From both “regular” depression and cancer depression. Sigh.

I found a support group made of young people but it’s in the city so I’ll try to go to the next one on a good day and see how I like it. Otherwise I may have to search for something closer if it’s not worth the trip.