Possibilities
The hardest part of this whole shitshow is that from day one, the doctors told me I was incurable. Sure, the cancer was treatable - we could prolong my life, address symptoms of the cancer, etc. They didn't give me arbitrary timelines, my care team is too smart for that. But when pressed, they said 12-24 months.
That's 1-2 years, possibly more if everything goes well with chemo. All my cancer buddies around the same age group are chasing curative treatments while I'm just sitting here.... what? Twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Life is full of possibilities and a terminal diagnosis makes you feel like you suddenly have none at hand. Investments like buying a house, planning a big trip many months ahead, etc - they're taken off the table, logistically.
I've tried finding meaning and answers - just a guide on how to live my life now. Aside from the dreaded "mindfulness", nobody else has really given me anything other than "take it one day at a time and live for the good days."
It's easy for them to dispense that kind of advice when they don't have to live through the bad days. There are many bad days. I hate them because I feel they're a waste of what life I have left. But I know I should focus on the good days, and be happy for them. Even if they're "just ok" days - I should count that as a win. Right?
I've reached out to other terminally ill people around my age. Some, I was too late. Others, they do get it but our situations are so different. Internet articles? Few and far between. I keep finding one about someone who swims a lot.
Where are all the videos and books and blogs by terminally ill people and how they faced down death? I've read a couple - but again didn't find what I was looking for. Maybe I'll never find it because there just isn't an answer.
Life is random. I got cancer because I was unlucky. The geneticists say it's unlikely due to my hereditary mutations. I just drew the short straw.
So when the doctors told me all this at the start, I immediately went into "get my affairs into order" mode. Our social worker was in awe at our ability to complete our paperwork with centrelink in a timely fashion. I basically prepared myself to die.
I still have a few loose ends to tie up but once I'm done, I'll be done. I could die any day, just like any of you (proverbial bus and all that) ... but I'll be prepared and my family and husband will be looked after.
I effectively shut out all of my own possibilities by doing this. Now, I don't know what to live for anymore. My to do list is short and mostly about funeral arrangements and where to store my shit. And that's the thing- we write diaries, draw pictures and do all sorts of stuff in our spare time. Where does it all go when we die - and does it matter? Will it matter? Will I matter?
My thoughts are spiralling so I'll stop here. The short of it is that when doctors tell you you're incurable.... how do you go on living knowing your cancer will definitely kill you? Do you hold on to hope that you can prove the doctors wrong? Do you give into despair and accept your so called fate? Do you let go and let God?
Fuck if I know.
That's 1-2 years, possibly more if everything goes well with chemo. All my cancer buddies around the same age group are chasing curative treatments while I'm just sitting here.... what? Twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Life is full of possibilities and a terminal diagnosis makes you feel like you suddenly have none at hand. Investments like buying a house, planning a big trip many months ahead, etc - they're taken off the table, logistically.
I've tried finding meaning and answers - just a guide on how to live my life now. Aside from the dreaded "mindfulness", nobody else has really given me anything other than "take it one day at a time and live for the good days."
It's easy for them to dispense that kind of advice when they don't have to live through the bad days. There are many bad days. I hate them because I feel they're a waste of what life I have left. But I know I should focus on the good days, and be happy for them. Even if they're "just ok" days - I should count that as a win. Right?
I've reached out to other terminally ill people around my age. Some, I was too late. Others, they do get it but our situations are so different. Internet articles? Few and far between. I keep finding one about someone who swims a lot.
Where are all the videos and books and blogs by terminally ill people and how they faced down death? I've read a couple - but again didn't find what I was looking for. Maybe I'll never find it because there just isn't an answer.
Life is random. I got cancer because I was unlucky. The geneticists say it's unlikely due to my hereditary mutations. I just drew the short straw.
So when the doctors told me all this at the start, I immediately went into "get my affairs into order" mode. Our social worker was in awe at our ability to complete our paperwork with centrelink in a timely fashion. I basically prepared myself to die.
I still have a few loose ends to tie up but once I'm done, I'll be done. I could die any day, just like any of you (proverbial bus and all that) ... but I'll be prepared and my family and husband will be looked after.
I effectively shut out all of my own possibilities by doing this. Now, I don't know what to live for anymore. My to do list is short and mostly about funeral arrangements and where to store my shit. And that's the thing- we write diaries, draw pictures and do all sorts of stuff in our spare time. Where does it all go when we die - and does it matter? Will it matter? Will I matter?
My thoughts are spiralling so I'll stop here. The short of it is that when doctors tell you you're incurable.... how do you go on living knowing your cancer will definitely kill you? Do you hold on to hope that you can prove the doctors wrong? Do you give into despair and accept your so called fate? Do you let go and let God?
Fuck if I know.
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